


if it could’ve been me

by MelindaMayOwnsMe



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Album: folklore (Taylor Swift), Angst, F/M, Marriage, Songfic, Wedding, wedding au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:14:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28069128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MelindaMayOwnsMe/pseuds/MelindaMayOwnsMe
Summary: Everything was how he had wanted his wedding to be. He had his friends standing behind him, they were on a beach in Maui, the Hawaiian weather with it’s humid yet breezy atmosphere was perfect, and he had the woman of his dreams walking towards him.Everything was as perfect as it could be.
Relationships: Andrew Garner/Melinda May, Phil Coulson & Maria Hill, Phil Coulson/Audrey Nathan, Phil Coulson/Melinda May
Comments: 20
Kudos: 33





	if it could’ve been me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [aziyee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/aziyee/gifts).



> Thank you to my friends for helping me fix this! you guys are the real ones!
> 
> I hope you love it!

_“I'm doing good, I'm on some new shit_  
_Been saying "Yes" instead of "No"_  
_I thought I saw you at the bus stop, I didn't though”_

Phil wasn’t sure how his life led to this moment.

Here he was, standing at an altar in front of almost all his friends, watching the love of his life walk down the aisle with the most beautiful smile on her face. Melinda was walking with a grace that was so unexplainably _her_ , and his heart pounded in his chest when their eyes met.

_“I hit the ground running each night_  
_I hit the Sunday matinee_  
_You know the greatest films of all time were never made”_

She looked remarkable. She was wearing a simple satin wedding dress with a sweetheart neckline that ended in a little train behind her. Her hair was down in effortless waves, her makeup done naturally.

Everything was how he had wanted his wedding to be. He had his friends standing behind him, they were on a beach in Maui, the Hawaiian weather with it’s humid yet breezy atmosphere was perfect, and he had the woman of his dreams walking towards him.

Everything was as perfect as it could be.

Considering the fact that he was not the man marrying her.

He watched, with pitifully sad eyes, as she walked past him to stand in front of Andrew, his heart throbbing painfully in his chest.

He watched as she smiled at Andrew when he whispered, _“You look so beautiful.”_ It was a miracle Phil could still keep himself upright with the unbearable sadness tightening around his heart.

It wasn’t perfect, no, it was far from it actually. But she was happy, she had a bright smile, brighter than the Hawaiian sun, and a twinkle in her eyes that showed just how much she loved Andrew. And he was looking right back at her, with every ounce of love and admiration in his eyes, as he gave himself to her.

She was happy. She was going to live the rest of her life with the man of her dreams, a tall, handsome, and kind doctor. Coulson was happy for her even if, with every word spoken as the couple sealed their marriage, his heart shattered just a bit more inside his chest.

_“I guess you never know, never know_  
_And if you wanted me, you really should've showed_  
_And if you never bleed, you're never gonna grow_  
_And it's alright now”_

He had hope. A year ago, he had allowed himself to hope for a future with her. He was so sure that after the Russia mission they were going to take that step. She had chosen to go to that mission with him. Their playful and flirty banter and her declaration that she was done dating civilians allowed a tiny seed of hope to grow in his heart that this was their chance to move forward. He remembers the electrifying feeling of seeing her smile at his direction after subtly telling him to ask her out on a date. His unfortunately hopeful personality had him walking on cloud nine for the rest of the week, patiently waiting for the moment they went to get those drinks.

But the date with Andrew had gone amazing, Melinda fell in love with him quickly, and all hope of their future together left almost as fast as it came.

Some nights he lay awake, twisting and turning in bed, wondering where it had all gone wrong. Was it him? Or was it just some sick joke that they were destined to not be together.

The “what-ifs” plagued him. The aching feeling in his chest every time she talked about Andrew the first few months of their relationship only intensified the longer they were together.

And now standing behind Melinda, at her and Andrew’s wedding, the ache intensified ten fold. It felt as though his heart was being punched and kicked and ripped to pieces over and over again.

_“But we were something, don't you think so?_  
_Roaring twenties, tossing pennies in the pool_  
_And if my wishes came true_  
_It would've been you_  
_In my defense, I have none_  
_For never leaving well enough alone_  
_But it would've been fun_  
_If you would've been the one (ooh)”_

The ceremony was over now. The guests all stood, congratulated the happy couple, and headed towards the direction of the reception.

Behind him, Phil felt someone linger.

“How are you holding up?” Maria walked beside him, hands inside the pockets of her blue bridesmaids dress.

He flashed her a weak smile and didn’t reply. He couldn’t put into words how he felt, and even if he could, he didn’t have the strength to say out loud how devastated he was.

He adjusted his collar a bit, his skin suddenly feeling too warm at the thought that Melinda and Andrew were officially married. The cloudy sky perfectly reflected his sullen mood.

Maria gave him a sympathetic smile and patted his arm. She understood what his silence meant.

She had known the two of them since her early careers and knew how much they loved each other. Nothing would ever surprise her more than the day Melinda told her she was going to marry Andrew. After all, the only last name Maria ever considered she’d get was “Coulson.”

Phil walked beside Maria in comfortable silence. He was lost in his imagination, thinking of Melinda. All the dates he would’ve taken her to, the opportunities he could’ve taken, when he realized he loved her…

If he closes his eyes he could almost see a flash of what could’ve been.

———

_“Please God stop! That was terrible! Has that EVER worked before?!” Melinda was laughing hysterically leaning forward on the table._

_“It made you laugh didn’t it?” Coulson raised a glass towards her to elaborate his point._

_“I’m laughing at you, dork. Not at your joke. I already told you, you don’t have game!”_

_They were sitting at a booth, a bottle of whiskey rested between them._

_“Well, I think I have game. You’re here on a date with me, aren’t you?”_

_She looked at him with a small smile and whispered, “yeah.”_

_After the mission in Russia, May showed up in his front door, dripping head to toe, holding a bottle of whiskey. She walked in without a word and he offered her a fresh pair of clothes (yes maybe he wanted to see her in his favorite Cap shirt, he’ll never admit it)_

_“I think I’m done dating civilians.” She said while pouring them a glass each. He smiled at her and toasted for the future. Their future._

———

Dwelling on the what-ifs was never good, but damn, he had so much time, so much opportunities to be with her, and what did he do? He threw it all away because he was afraid. Afraid of the consequences. Afraid of losing her.

The heavy feeling in his stomach turned to lead and he felt his throat constricting while he held back the tears that were pooling in his eyes.

If his silent, not-so-subtle, heartache was anyone's fault it was his.

_“I have this dream you're doing cool shit_  
_Having adventures on your own_  
_You meet some woman on the Internet and take her home_  
_We never painted by the numbers, baby_  
_But we were making it count_  
_You know the greatest loves of all time are over now”_

Melinda stared at the ongoing party in front of her. The dance floor was crowded with their guests, dancing, singing and celebrating the occasion. It was a blur of moving colors, each one moving off-beat to the music playing from the speakers. Just beyond her view she could see the waves of the sea moving forward and backwards against the sand, the soft crash of the water a distant noise in the busy place.

She inhaled deeply and looked for her husband. _Her husband._ A wide smile crept its way to her lips, and she felt giddy at the title. She, Melinda Qiaolian May, was married.

Her eyes locked onto Andrew as he danced with his mother at the far left corner of the dance floor. He was smiling at her, laughing. He twirled her around and his eyes met hers, he gave her a radiant smile, and she returned it without hesitation.

His attention went back to his mother as hers drifted towards the right side of the space.

Phil was sitting on a chair next to Maria. His shoulders were hunched forward as his hands fidgeted with each other, His eyes were directed to an unknown spot under the table as Maria talked to him. One of her hands were placed on his forearm, but even if Maria kept talking, it was obvious that Phil was a hundred miles away.

This was the first time in 6 months that she’d seen Phil. He looked different now, more haggard, more stressed. The lines around his eyes were no longer laugh lines, instead they showed how exhausted he was. The way his shoulders were hunched screamed defeat. It made no sense to her because she knew he had it all.

He was moving up higher and higher in SHIELD, continuously getting promoted and heading the biggest initiative of the decade. And he has a girlfriend, or had, she wasn’t sure anymore.

Melinda’s heart constricted at the thought of Audrey Nathan. They’d never officially met, but May knew she was incredible. She knew the moment Phil walked in their joint office with a gigantic grin and an obvious bounce to his step. He’d spent the whole morning talking all about her. The way she smiled, how she played the cello, how beautiful she was, and Melinda listened with a steady smile and a breaking heart.

She had no right to be jealous of Audrey. She was with Andrew. She _chose_ Andrew. And Phil was too good of a man to stay single forever.

But whenever she saw the light in his baby blue eyes brighten at the mention of Audrey, her heart cracked just a bit more in her chest.

She had no right to be hurting, but her heart broke anyway for the man that was never hers.

_“I guess you never know, never know_  
_And it's another day, waking up alone”_

Phil Coulson would never know the longing she felt every morning waking up without him.

As the sun began to rise high in the sky she’d wake up in hers and Andrew’s bedroom. A massive room with navy blue walls. Each furniture was painted a classic white, and were littered with several photographs of them. His arms were wrapped around her middle, his breath tickling the back of her neck every morning without fail, but as she stared at the rising sun whose colors were a swirl of reds, blues, and oranges, a small part of her would always hope that it’d be Phil she woke up to.

Most days, she’d simply twist and turn in bed, alternating her gaze to Andrew’s handsome face and the brightening horizon. She’d trace the lines on his face and close her eyes trying to push the images of Phil Coulson’s adorable face out of her mind.

She spotted movement at the edge of her peripheral vision and broke out of her reverie. Phil had stood up and began walking away from Maria. He kept walking until he was no longer in her view.

With a quick glance around the party, she followed him.

_“But we were something, don't you think so?_  
_Roaring twenties, tossing pennies in the pool_  
_And if my wishes came true_  
_It would've been you_  
_In my defense, I have none_  
_For never leaving well enough alone_  
_But it would've been fun_  
_If you would've been the one”_

She found him standing on the other side of the resort standing in front of the ocean. His gaze was unfocused and his mouth was tilted down in a small frown.

“Hey, I missed you.” He turned his head quickly at her voice, clearly not hearing her approach him.

“Hi, why aren’t you at the party?” He bounced a bit on the heel of his foot and shoved his hands in his pocket. Melinda raised an eyebrow at his sulky expression and placed her arm on his bicep.

“I was looking for you, are you okay?” She stared at him with furrowed brows, and he had to look away at the genuine concern in her eyes. He directed his eyes towards the sky, towards the bright sun peeking from behind the clouds.

“Yeah I’m fine, just needed a moment alone.” He stepped back from her and averted his gaze to his shoes. This was awkward. The tension in the air was palpable, choking both of them with unspoken words.

The music from the party was loud enough for them to hear when a slow song started playing.

“Dance with me?” He extended a hand out to her and smiled.

She took his hand and he pulled her closer to his chest. Her arm looped around his neck while his went around her waist.

Time stopped, and all they could feel was each other. The comforting way her body was pressed against his, his right palm rubbing small circles on the small of her back, her fingers lightly pulling at the hair on the base of his skull, and their unwavering gaze as they swayed to the distant melody of the song. His hand was warm against her waist, and she could feel his heart beating against hers.

“I’m happy you got your happy ending, Mel. Even if-....” He looked down at their feet, stopping their dance.

“Even if it wasn’t with me.” He looked back up at her, a sheer layer of moisture in his eyes.

She bit her lip and looked over his shoulder when she felt her eyes burning with tears. She knew this was possible when she sought him out, but she looked for him anyway.

“Thats unfair. You know I love you,” she said, voice cracking towards the end while she looked back into his eyes.

A tear ran down his cheeks when he said, “I know. I love you too.”

She tightened her hold on his neck and burrowed her face on it. She loves him, and he loved her. But they couldn’t be together.

Because she didn’t choose him.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered in his ear with tears running down her face.

His arms around her tightened and he placed his cheek atop of her head.

She really was sorry. Every moment she saw Phil’s face after getting together with Andrew felt like a stab in the heart. She saw through the fake facade of happiness he showed when he found out of their engagement, she saw through the bullshit and saw his heart breaking. She knew that look. It was the same one she saw on her face every time she looked in the mirror because she may have taken Andrew’s last name and had given everything she had to him, only Phil Coulson could ever have her heart wholly.

“We wouldn’t have worked anyway,” he replied back in a raspy voice.

She raised her head from the crook of his neck and held his face in her hands. Her fingers traced around the laugh lines on his perfect face and smiled inside knowing that she was the reason for most of them.

She caressed his jaw, while looking up at him.

“Doesn’t make me stop wondering what would’ve happened if it’d been you and I.”

_“Hey, yeah-yeah_  
_Persist and resist the temptation to ask you_  
_If one thing had been different_  
_Would everything be different today?”_

She always wondered where it would’ve led if she’d just said no to that date with Andrew, and sometimes, in the solace of her imagination, she thinks of the future she didn’t choose.

—————

_The purple silk covers of the bed were cool to the touch. Melinda slept peacefully facing the open doors of the balcony, the soft breeze making her blissfully unaware of the waking world around her. The white room was decorated with furniture in shades of brown and black._

_“Mama! Mama!” Melinda sat up with a jolt when she felt two small bodies jump on the bed with her._

_“Good morning, baobao. Good morning, xiaohua” She kissed James and Lily’s heads and cuddled closer to them. She stretched her legs on the cool sheets and inahaled the sweet apple scent of the baby shampoo that her kids used._

_Lilian Philippa May-Coulson and James Clinton May-Coulson were the lights of her life. Ever since the moment she found out about them, she loved them completely._

_“Why are you two little buggers up this early, huh?” She looked down at her kids, ruffling their hair. Both of them were spitting images of her, with deep brown eyes and dark brown hair, but their smile was definitely their fathers. They were clad in matching captain america pajamas and panda socks._

_“We wanted to bring you breakfast.” She looked up and saw Phil walking in with a tray of her favorite breakfast foods and a bouquet of lilies._

_“Mhm what’s all this then?” She looked at the three of them and wondered what the special occasion was._

_“Happy Mothers Day, Mama!” Lily and James yelled, presenting her with two handwritten cards. Her heart was bursting at the immense love she had for these three, it was almost unreal._

_“Thank you, darlings. I love you both so much.” She hugged her kids tight and kissed both of their faces. Phil was watching them from the foot of the bed, still holding the tray, with a lovesick expression on his face. He was truly lucky to have them._

_“Kids why don’t you get dressed and get ready for the day, yeah?” The kids scrambled off the bed and hugged his legs before running off to their rooms._

_He settled down the tray on the bedside table and sat beside Melinda._

_“I love you.” They spent the rest of their morning cuddling in bed, after being joined by their two little blessings, and she’d never felt more content._

_“We were something, don't you think so?_  
_Rosé flowing with your chosen family_  
_And it would've been sweet_  
_If it could've been me_  
_In my defense, I have none_  
_For digging up the grave another time”_

It could’ve been seconds, minutes, hours, who knew? In that moment all that mattered was the feel of his hands on her waist and hers on his face. She knew she had to get back eventually, but she couldn’t bring herself to walk away from him. She never could.

“You should head back, they’ll be looking for you soon,” he whispered, his face barely inches away from hers.

“Please don’t leave me...” She whispered in a wobbly voice with a hint of desperation.

He smiled sadly at her and pressed his lips on her forehead.

He pulled away from her and took a step back.

“Goodbye, Melinda.” And with that, he turned around and started walking away from her.

She reached for his wrist and grabbed it tightly.

“N-no! P-plea-please, Phil- Maybe- maybe I-... we could make us work! It- we- I could walk away from this- you- I-,” Melinda looked away, tears streaming down her eyes.

“I can’t lose you,” she mumbled thickly.

“Melinda… there is no _us_ , there never was,” her head snapped up at his response.

She could make out his mouth moving but everything felt disembodied. All the air in her lungs forced their way out of her, and her whole body felt like steel and jello at the same time.

_“Melinda… There is no us, there never was.”_

His words were ringing in her head and nothing made sense anymore. Distantly, she felt herself let go of his wrist as her knees buckled under her.

“Please forgive me.” Without another word, he turned his back to her crumpled form on the soft sand and walked away.

It could’ve been seconds, minutes, hours, who knew? In that moment all that mattered was the feel of her heart shattering to a million shards inside her chest. She knew she had to get back eventually, but she couldn’t bring herself to walk away. But he did. He made that choice for them.

She didn’t know what to do, her heart was hammering in her chest, aching to run after him, and scream at him. How could there not be a “them”? After everything! Her mind was a whirlwind of what-ifs and consequences, while her heart just clenched at the distance he’d put between them.

He was growing smaller and smaller the farther he walked away, and she wanted to run to him, consequences be damned. She was about to stand and take a step when-

“Hey there you are, I’ve been looking for you.” She whipped her head around and came face to face with Andrew's handsome smile.

“Are you okay? What’re you doing on the sand?” He held out his hands and embraced her. She buried her face in her husband's chest, trying to forget about Phil.

“I just needed a minute,” her words were muffled by the cotton button up he wore.

“Do you want me to stay with you? Or do you need some alone time?”

She smiled at how thoughtful he was and shook her head, “No. I think I need some alone time.”

“Okay,” he whispered, rubbing her arms with the palm of his hands, kissed her forehead, and walked back to the party.

_“But it would've been fun”_

This is where she chose.

Her head? Or her heart?

The sun was setting now. The sky was tinged in hues of blues, purples, oranges and yellows. The cotton-candy colored clouds were reflected upon the soft ocean waves. The fading light of the sun illuminated her face, making her glow in the golden light, and further highlighting the tears running down her face. The gentle breeze of the coast was blowing her hair and wedding dress backward.

She turned her tear-streaked face to the right; the direction Phil had gone. Sobs wracked her small frame as she felt the longing that only came when he wasn’t with her. Her heart ached for his words. They both knew they weren’t true, but what if they were?

That desperation under her skin, flowing through her body as if little sparks of electricity, ached to be in his arms. Everything she ever wanted was just beyond the gate. Maybe he was waiting for her? Maybe, he knows, that she’d choose him over and over and over again. Maybe, it was this life that they got their happy ending, and it was up to her to make it a reality. But maybe… maybe he did mean it.

_“Melinda… there is no us, there never was.”_

She shut her eyes tightly trying to forget the look of utter devastation in his eyes. He was just as broken up about it as she was, but he fully believed it. She never was his to begin with, and he accepted that.

But then she turns her head to the left, her reality comes crashing back down on her. She was already married to a brilliant man. God, Andrew deserved so much better than her. Here she was, fighting with herself, undecided, on which man to follow, while he was there, just beyond the curve of the shore, celebrating their wedding with their family.

Her knees buckle under her as she falls to the soft sand once again. More tears stream down her eyes and her throat burns at the pressure of her silent sobs. Why couldn’t she just choose? The answer was so simple- she was married to Andrew Garner. She already chose him when she decided to pursue their relationship, but when she closes her eyes and pictures the future she wants to be in, it isn’t him she sees.

She sees a small girl with the brightest blue eyes she’s ever seen, and a head of dark brown hair like hers. She sees Captain America bed sheets, and Peggy Carter Halloween costumes. She sees Phil Coulson, and all his dorky traits. She sees him patching her up after missions with gentle kisses to her forehead. She sees herself waking up everyday for the rest of her life where she belongs, right beside him.

The answer was simple, but for Phil, she’d choose complicated.

She stares at her trembling hands, eyes focusing on the diamond ring on her left hand.

For Phil, she’d choose complicated, but she knows choosing him would be choosing the uncertainty. Choosing Phil Coulson now, gave her more to lose. Every mission he went on would be agonizing torture for her praying that he’d be alright. Every hard choice he had to make in the field would be biased to keep her safe. Being his best friend was already enough for her to not be objective during missions, what more being his wife? The paralyzing fear she felt from her toes to her head would multiply tenfold if they were married.

For Phil Coulson, her best friend, she’d kill, she’d lie, and she’d die to keep him with her. But for Phil Coulson, the man she loves? She’d gladly let the world burn and crack apart over and over and over again to never leave him.

She stood up and closed her eyes again. The wind softly blew against her, drying the remaining tears on her eyes. Her hand clenched as she let out a long exhale.

She looked right, thinking of Phil Coulson, her best friend, then she looked left, thinking about Andrew Garner, her husband, and made her choice.

_“If you would've been the one (ooh).”_

“Hey, I missed you.” He looped his arm around her waist and pressed a kiss on her hair.

She smiled up at him before pressing her lips against his in a languid kiss.

“I love you, Drew.”

Andrew pulled her closer to his chest before replying, “I love you too, Melinda.”

———

_She stood up and closed her eyes again. The wind softly blew against her, drying the remaining tears on her eyes. Her hand clenched as she let out a long exhale._

_She looked right, thinking of Phil Coulson, her best friend, then she looked left, thinking about Andrew Garner, her husband, and made her choice._

_Phil already made the choice for her, anyway._

_She walked back to her wedding, her head held high and a bright smile on her face._

_She loved Phil Coulson with everything she had._

_She would choose him, over and over again._

_But in this life,_

_She wasn’t meant to be his._

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you’re sobbing now :) i’ve always wanted to read a fic like this so I thought why not just write it lmao. Anyway I hope you leave comments because they make my day! if you want to suggest fics you can find me on tumblr. love you all 😚


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